My absence from this website was purposeful but the consequences to my emotional well-being were unintended. I had forgotten how comforting comments from my readers were and how much happiness I received knowing that Claire’s memory lived on in people all across the country. My husband reminded me that the purpose of her website was to raise awareness. I wanted to raise awareness about Claire, about PCOS, about Cervical Incompetence and about infant loss. Hopefully, I will gain more strength so I can continue to work on these goals and make Claire proud.
There are reminders of Claire’s absence everywhere but most of them are controlled by my husband and I. We placed the photographs around her house, we chose her Urn, we chose to keep her nursery intact. These are reminders that we choose to live with so that we may surround ourselves with the memory of our daughter.
The unexpected reminders are the ones that are the hardest. In February, I received a sample pack of Similac formula. I also received a Pottery Barn Kid’s catalogue and a subscription to a Parenting magazine. The formula was hurtful because it was sent in anticipation of my due date. I continue to receive emails from baby shopping sites no matter how many times I click unsubscribe. Inevitably, I read a novel or watch a movie that involves the death of a child and I can’t help but be reminded immediately of Claire.
I wonder if my entire life will be filled with these unexpected reminders and how my reaction to them will change over time. To that end, I try to focus on creating memories and keepsakes of mine and my family’s own choosing. The reminders that are created specifically for Claire are the most important ones and the more I have of those, I feel the less affected I will be by all the others.