Easter Sunday was not the first holiday since Claire was born, but it was the first holiday that I had expected to share with her. I have a yellow Easter outfit hanging in her closet, and a beautiful daughter who will never wear it.
I’ve noticed that my grief over Claire has begun to shake it’s angry fist at me more and more. I am having more difficulty containing it and more times than not, I feel like I am a bottomless pit of sadness. Somehow just being present in this world feels wrong. Everything I touch, I know Claire cannot. Everywhere I go, Claire is gone. I cry every time I see her crib and wish I knew what it would feel like to put her to bed and watch her sleep.
One place I find some measure of peace is in the glider that I purchased when I was only about 6 weeks along with Claire. When I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time relaxing in it and I would imagine what it would be like holding my daughter, nursing her, and rocking her. Later, when her nursery was assembled, I positioned the glider next to her crib and I would gently rock back and forth and look forward to the day that I could see her asleep through the wooden slats.
It’s my only happy place since losing Claire. Or, as close to happy as I can get in a place I am surrounded by all the hopes, plans and dreams that evaporated when she died. Through out it all, I continue to be amazed by my own daughter’s strength. By the fact that she fought so hard to survive and I find myself sending prayers to her to help me. Claire fought in the face of sure tragedy and I feel like I need to learn to do the same. I hope that one day I can come to peace with our loss, but until then I let whatever emotions are there come to me, confident that there is a process even when I start losing faith that there is a greater plan.
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It is unfortunate that we go through phases where we think we are doing much better, but then we fall backwards into a really bad phase where we don’t feel like we can go forwards anymore. I know that there are still days even 14 months later where I feel like the air is being sucked out of a room sometimes..Praying for you, and hoping that the glider continues to provide some peace for you.
Sending hugs and love your way.
Sydney!
I cannot find a way to contact you other than to respond to your post…
I was just looking over my NYE posts from the last 2 years and noticed a message from you! My website has had SO many glitches and one of which is that I don’t always get notified if someone posts a message so you will have to forgive me for taking a whole year for thanking you for reaching out.
I look forward to reading about your Claire… both of our sweet girls, same name, same birth month. Ahh…
I wish you a year full of comfort, peace and love.
x <3 o