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The Connection Corner

Welcome! This website was created as a memorial to my daughter, Claire Sandra, who passed away on October 28, 2010. Today, it is also a connection place for those who are living with or who are interested in learning more about Infertility and Infant Loss. All of the resources included here can help you learn more about Infertility and Infant loss. If you have a personal connection to either of these experiences, remember: You are not alone. Find support, stay connected and you will persevere.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

What my Readers Have to Say

The Archives

M.I.A.

I’ve been taking some time off of blogging but wanted to pop in with at least an update to explain why. When I started this website for Claire, I was very much in the mode of using every ounce of my strength to be optimistic and stay positive. I was convinced that if I tried hard enough, I could find ways to allow goodness to grow out of her loss.

What I am learning is that strength doesn’t come with a limitless reserve. I am not an invincible person while grieving. I lost a lot of my strength because I was so busy writing about it and reflecting on it, that I forgot to keep some stored away for rainy weather.

This all came to a peak during the month of February which had been engrained in my mind since Claire’s conception as “the month she would be born.” Instead, she came in October and I carried a heavier and heavier burden as each of the 28 days in February passed.

I felt some relief after February 25, her due date, because I realized I no longer had right to claim “I should be pregnant right now, I would be pregnant right now,” because I wouldn’t have been. Even in a perfect world where Claire was born and survived, I wouldn’t have been pregnant beyond that date.

None of my grief abated but some of the pain did and I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on how much I miss her instead of what I can do to keep her memory alive. I spent so much of my time researching memorial projects and cervical incompetence, that I didn’t take the time I needed and will always need, to just think about and miss my daughter.

I haven’t felt inclined to share those feelings but do not want this blog to lose its intended purpose of being a living memory of Claire and a resource for those who have cervical incompetence, have ever lost a child or both.

She lives in the deepest parts of my physical being having grown inside of me and delivered out of me. She lives in the crook in arm where I held her as she died, she lives in my heart which pumped her blood to give her life, she lives in my conscious which thinks about her constantly when I am awake and in my subconscious when I am asleep. She also lives in the words that I write and the love that I have for her which grows quietly around my grief in a unique relationship that only exists between parents and the children they have lost.

Every day continues to be a struggle, even if it is a gentler kind. I hope that I am able to regain the initial strength that I appeared to have had when Claire was born. If hope is a derivative of strength, than my hope will be the strength I need to make it happen.

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6 comments to M.I.A.

  • Claire's Mimi

    As our Claire angel for her garden says: “Keep hope in your heart”. Love you

  • Hugs to you..I hear you on trying to be positive so we can make something good out of their losses, but I am glad you are taking the time to just miss your daughter too..I think that is so important because we can try to move on and act like we are fine, but eventually our world is going to come crashing down on us without us even having time to respond..Stay strong..so glad you feel a bit better after her due date too..I can remember dreading that day..

  • Sometimes a break is needed and that’s ok. There will be moments when you don’t wanna be strong and that’s ok too. I think those moments are needed.

  • I’ve been so moved by your experience and I wish you the best in the months and years ahead.

  • lis

    glad you checked in, ive been thinking of you lately.
    sometimes a break from all of this is so necessary. its just all consuming and so, so hard to believe sometimes. even now.
    we’re all here for you.
    xoxo
    lis

  • Yes, sometimes we have to step away and re-open the wounds that were starting to scab over a little.

    I was thinking about you this week as we hit our 23 week mark. I have tears in my eyes thinking of Claire and my baby and completely blown away if I would have to deliver this week.

    Sad with you,

    HH

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