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The Connection Corner

Welcome! This website was created as a memorial to my daughter, Claire Sandra, who passed away on October 28, 2010. Today, it is also a connection place for those who are living with or who are interested in learning more about Infertility and Infant Loss. All of the resources included here can help you learn more about Infertility and Infant loss. If you have a personal connection to either of these experiences, remember: You are not alone. Find support, stay connected and you will persevere.

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Dates I will Always Remember

Claire’s baby shower would have been on Saturday, January 8th. Her 3D/4D ultrasound was scheduled weeks before on December 18th. Before Claire died, these were my two of my three big “countdown” days with the final one being her due date on February 25th. Two of these dates have come and passed. Claire was not alive for either of them.

Her 3D/4D ultrsound was meant to be a day full of ooo’s and ahh’s, a first look at her nearly fully formed features, a sneak peak at the whites of Claire’s eyes and the shape of her face. Her baby shower was supposed to be a day for celebration and preparation for her arrival. It was supposed to be a day that we spent with our closest friends and family enjoying my pregnancy and talking about our plans for Claire’s impending due date.

Instead, both of these days were uneventful because I was no longer pregnant. My anticipation for these dates was still scrawled inside of my head so their countdown continued even though I knew the end result was no longer going to make me happy. I couldn’t help watching as we got closer and closer to the date of her ultrasound and then date of her baby shower. I continue to struggle knowing that there is only one more anticipated day left, the most important one: Her due date.

I didn’t write about my feelings regarding these days before because the pain was still too tender. But honestly.. I am tender every day, some more than others, but there is never an opportune time to reflect on the significance of these never-to-be-had moments in my life. Everything about this experience is difficult. I know I should still be pregnant now- that I should have a month of pregnancy left with Claire. But I’m not and I don’t. I should be staring at a nursery full of gifts for Claire, instead it’s a room full of memories with no future to be found. All of these plans diminished when she died but the memories still whirl around in my head as I come to terms with the fact that she is gone.

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6 comments to Dates I will Always Remember

  • Those days are the hardest..the ones that should have been..Aubree’s due date came and went without much to show for it..I got to hear about everyone else’s babies that were born though just days before her due date..Each time I see them I am reminded of what she would be doing at this point in her life..I try not to think about it, but those feelings are always at the back of my head. I think that after her due date came and went I felt a bit better for a while. I go through moments when I am good, and then I will have a few bad days where I can barely get out of bed. I still keep “her” room closed because it is too hard to see it every time I walk up the stairs. You are not alone at all in your feelings. Life just doesn’t seem fair when we have all of these beautiful plans for our children that just don’t seem to work out the way we wanted them to..Hugs to you..

  • Belinda

    Significant dates are HARD. The due dates are the toughest of all. I do hope people will honour Claire’s memory by acknowledging her on what should have been her happy birthday xoxo

  • Dec. 18th is when we delivered Lyra. February 25th was her due date. Just a different year. But no matter if we shared dates or not, those time markers always stand out, and play a role in how we view time. thinking of you and Claire. ((hugs))

  • *hugs giant gentle hugs* I’m thinking of you and your sweet Claire

  • I remember going through those “dates” after my son was born at 21 weeks. The number of weeks I was supposed to be on our anniversary, the size my belly should have been on Christmas, and then the due date. Oh, that date was so hard to get through. I feel your pain and appreciate your courage and strength in being able to share so you can bring me a bit of peace, as I hope you are giving yourself.

  • I just realized our babies’ birthdays are one year and one day apart. My JJ was born on 10/29/09.

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