Claire’s baby shower would have been on Saturday, January 8th. Her 3D/4D ultrasound was scheduled weeks before on December 18th. Before Claire died, these were my two of my three big “countdown” days with the final one being her due date on February 25th. Two of these dates have come and passed. Claire was not alive for either of them.
Her 3D/4D ultrsound was meant to be a day full of ooo’s and ahh’s, a first look at her nearly fully formed features, a sneak peak at the whites of Claire’s eyes and the shape of her face. Her baby shower was supposed to be a day for celebration and preparation for her arrival. It was supposed to be a day that we spent with our closest friends and family enjoying my pregnancy and talking about our plans for Claire’s impending due date.
Instead, both of these days were uneventful because I was no longer pregnant. My anticipation for these dates was still scrawled inside of my head so their countdown continued even though I knew the end result was no longer going to make me happy. I couldn’t help watching as we got closer and closer to the date of her ultrasound and then date of her baby shower. I continue to struggle knowing that there is only one more anticipated day left, the most important one: Her due date.
I didn’t write about my feelings regarding these days before because the pain was still too tender. But honestly.. I am tender every day, some more than others, but there is never an opportune time to reflect on the significance of these never-to-be-had moments in my life. Everything about this experience is difficult. I know I should still be pregnant now- that I should have a month of pregnancy left with Claire. But I’m not and I don’t. I should be staring at a nursery full of gifts for Claire, instead it’s a room full of memories with no future to be found. All of these plans diminished when she died but the memories still whirl around in my head as I come to terms with the fact that she is gone.