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The Connection Corner

Welcome! This website was created as a memorial to my daughter, Claire Sandra, who passed away on October 28, 2010. Today, it is also a connection place for those who are living with or who are interested in learning more about Infertility and Infant Loss. All of the resources included here can help you learn more about Infertility and Infant loss. If you have a personal connection to either of these experiences, remember: You are not alone. Find support, stay connected and you will persevere.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

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Never Married

Hi Claire,

You know… sometimes the ordinary-everyday mail can still pack quite a punch. I just went outside to collect our mail and the last thing I found under the newspapers and magazines was an envelope from the mortuary. I knew right away it was your death certificate so I handed it to your mother to open carefully. I know it is a big deal because it’s another way to validate your life and the short time you spent with us. I will be honest, I first tried to ignore the significance and even the presence of it based on my fear of becoming to emotional. Most days are difficult enough, I normally try to regulate the amount of reminders I have, not because I want to think about you less, but to simply maintain some level of sanity.

Your mom opened the envelope and out came the death certificate. Nothing I had not seen before, I see them every once in awhile doing tax work. The moment my eyes hit the paper I noticed a box filled in with the text “never married”. The box was the designated marital status section. I could of stepped in front of a train and it wouldn’t of hit me as hard as seeing that did. I felt like I had just taken a baseball bat straight to the chest. I can’t explain how fast I saw the life that could have and should have been. I feel like you were robbed of the only thing I could give you, which is life. Everyone says I should be grateful of the fact you are a Saint in heaven and did not have to go through the trials or tribulations of life, but I do not have the ability to put that kind of spin on losing you. Not even close..

As you know if you are watching over us, my faith has been shattered in a lot of ways. I am having a horrible time trying to maintain the faith I had built up through the last 5-or-so years. I actually found out your mother was pregnant with you just after I finished adult confirmation in the church. Seeing that phrase “never married”, makes me so angry. It is one of the many things you were supposed to be able to experience in your life. Now we are left with a piece of paper, a death certificate, a sad mommy and a father who can’t figure out how to pick up the pieces of his shattered faith. Acceptance is the stage we are trying to achieve. I am glad the state has accepted it, I guess we have not.

I miss you and love you.

Dad

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6 comments to Never Married

  • Heartbreaking post…receiving the death certificate it definitely an emotional blow. I have struggled with many of the same feelings you discussed regarding faith. I feel like just very recently I’m getting closer to a place of not accepting that I’m okay with what has happened, but accepting that it happened. I still struggle with a lot of anger towards God about our loss as well, but am seeing a counselor to try and deal with some of these emotions. I say all of this to say that I think your feelings are completely valid given all you guys have been through and that I understand them well. Sending thoughts and hope for the future to both of you ((hugs))

  • This post brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing. It’s things like this that people don’t think about — yet it’s one of the first things my husband brought up when we lost our daughter (walking her down the isle). It’s just so hard! We are struggling in our faith too. We haven’t lost it, but we have so much anger and feel like we’ve lost a great deal of trust after going through it all. I pray that you’re able to build up your faith again with time. At least that’s what we’re hoping to do. Hugs!

  • This post also brought me to tears.

    One of the hardest moments for Edward was when I slid my wedding ring onto Aurora’s wrist. For me, it was knowing that she had wore it; but for Edward, it was in that moment he realized that he was never going to get to walk her down the aisle. It was awful. I will also pray that you’ll build your faith back up, and will be sending up lots of other prayers for you both as well. Virtual hugs to you both.

  • Belinda

    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with the pain and realisation that your beautiful Claire will never have her wedding day. I cannot believe that they think it necessary to put the words “never married” on a baby’s death certificate. I mean, can’t people figure it out for themselves? It’s just another kick in the teeth :-(

  • Joe

    Thank you for the prayers and hugs from everyone. I can see I am not alone in having these kind of experiences. Sometimes you forget other people have dealt with and will deal with the exact same thing.

  • You know..it has been almost a year, and I’m still not sure I have accepted it. I get it, but I can’t accept the fact that I don’t get to spend my earthly life with my daughter. I don’t get to watch her grow up, get married, have fun with her sister, etc. I understand that her life is much better now, but that doesn’t mean that I am not sad for the life I am missing with her. Your post is beautifully written and very heartfelt..Just hang in there and don’t give up on God..His plan for your life may not make sense now, but hopefully it will some day. I keep holding on to that one myself, and it helps me get through each and every day. Praying for peace for both of you and sending you both hugs..

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